My grandma told me something when I was a little girl that I didn’t fully understand until I lived it:
“Don’t get married. Just live with a man. If it doesn’t work out—leave. No courts, no drama.”
She wasn’t bitter. She was wise. And now, after two marriages and a whole lot of growth, I understand exactly what she meant.
Marriage is a System, Not a Savior
We’re taught that marriage is the goal. That if you find someone to marry you, you’ve “won.” But here’s what they don’t tell you:
• Marriage is a contract, not a promise of love.
• The system protects the paperwork, not your peace.
• You can be deeply in love and still be unhappy—or worse, unsafe—in a marriage.
They told us marriage was about commitment. What they left out was that sometimes, the commitment ends up being to pain, silence, and survival.
What My Marriages Taught Me
I’ve been married. Twice. And I’m not ashamed of that. Each time, I walked in believing it would last forever. I believed in partnership. I still do.
But what I don’t believe in anymore is forcing myself to stay in something because of a ring.
I learned:
• Love doesn’t need legal validation to be real.
• Leaving doesn’t make you a failure—it makes you free.
• You can be whole without being a wife.
What They Never Told Us
They never told us we could choose ourselves.
They didn’t tell us that marriage wouldn’t fix loneliness, or that sometimes it makes it worse. That love can exist without control, and that a title doesn’t mean someone sees your worth.
They didn’t tell us that being unmarried doesn’t mean you’re unworthy—it might just mean you’re unbound.
So Now What?
I still believe in love. Deep, healthy, evolving love. But I no longer feel like marriage is a requirement for it. I’ve seen too much. I’ve healed too much. And I’ve grown into a woman who knows: my peace matters more than a last name change.
To any woman reading this who feels trapped by tradition, pressure, or fear—let this be your permission slip:
You are enough, with or without the ceremony.
–Jovonna Kaye